


Act Like You Don't

by writingdumbthings



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Columbus Blue Jackets, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 10:13:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14330250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingdumbthings/pseuds/writingdumbthings
Summary: 'When you want to have a late night drive byAnd drunk dial my phone around midnightSay you miss me waking up by your sideAct like you don't...'





	Act Like You Don't

**Author's Note:**

> Country music inspires me to write stupid things… that take me forever to finish. My google docs is telling me I started this back in August.. Yikes. But this little gem was inspired by a song by Booke Eden called Act Like You Don’t. Enjoy.

A deep sigh traveled through me as I climbed into the driver's seat of my truck. The image of the two boxes tucked in the backseat caused an ache to pinch at my heart. I didn't want to be doing this. On top of that, I never imagined that I would be doing this in the first place. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. My relationship wasn’t supposed to end with me taking my ex’s belongings to his house. 

There was a small hope in me that he wouldn’t be around. He’s usually busy, especially lately, so it’s totally possible. Honestly, I don’t know if I could handle seeing him in this moment. It’s not that I would break out in tears and beg for him back. When really, if I wanted him back, I’m sure it wouldn't be hard to reopen that door. The drunken calls at midnight tell me that he’s not completely over us either. But I need to be. We’re not any good for each other. It’s just an unhealthy relationship that’s gone on for far too long. If he’s not going to admit that, then I need to.

Sucking in one last breath, I put my truck in reverse to back out into the street. I hated how easily it was for me to remember the route to his place. I swear I could make it here with my eyes closed; right down to the last traffic light just a block from the house. 

While approaching the dwelling, I could tell that his vehicle wasn’t in its usual spot. This made me feel a little better. I wouldn’t have to see him. Parking at the curb, I kept the engine running as I got out. Hurrying, I opened the backseat and stacked the two boxes, so I would only have to make one trip. The faster I got this over with, the easier this was going to be for me. 

I took the couple of steps up to the front door; a path I’d taken many times before. Shaking my head of all the hello and goodbye kisses we’ve shared here, I placed the boxes just to the side of the door. My heels turned, not allowing me to dwell on those thoughts any longer. Keeping my head down, I all but jogged back to my truck. I slammed the door and rushed off; putting my seat belt back on as I went to save time. 

My heart was pounding up until I was a handful of blocks away from my own home. I just didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I dropped the last of his stuff off. Now, don’t bother me anymore. Out of sight, out of mind. 

All night a small part of me feared that he would reach out to me. Even when the clock on my phone read well past one AM. The memories of us haunted me so much that it prevented me from sleeping.

As much as I hate to admit it, that was how most of my nights went. I stayed up, waiting for his call or text to the point that it prevented me from getting much sleep throughout the week. When it didn’t come, I just felt so stupid. I tell myself over and over again that I’m over him, yet here I am, somewhat expecting him to be in contact with me at late hours of the night. Why? 

I couldn’t ever answer that. As much as I loved him, no part of me forgot how we were together. He’d leave town and all I would worry about was who he was around and what he was doing. I always felt the need to reach out to him when I grew suspicious. Was my instinct right sometimes? I have no idea. All I could do was go off of his word. But his lack of emotional support always raised more questions for me. That wasn’t a way to spend a relationship. We’re just… better apart. Neither of us are what the other needs in this moment in our lives. 

Knowing all of this, my friends… sat me up on a date. It was Saturday night. I didn’t even know the guy. A big part of me didn’t want to go at all. Since when am I doing this whole blind date with a stranger thing? Apparently now. 

When I left, I had convinced myself to be open about this. I need to let my past relationship go and find someone that truly wants to be with me and appreciates what I have to offer. Maybe this guy’s it.

But first of all, he chose a place that the ex and I went to all the time. Strike one. Hey, at least I know how this place works and what to order… and a way to ditch in case things go bad. That always needs to be a plan. 

I entered in search of the description my friend gave me of this guy. ‘He’s tall, muscular, and clean cut with brown hair.’ Yeah… that’s a brief overview of the ex, but I’m ignoring that fact and scanning over this seating area. My eyes landed on a guy sitting by himself. I approached cautiously, kind of making it a point to draw attention to myself. To my surprise, it worked. His eyes met mine and he smiled before greeting me. 

“You must be Greg,” I returned. 

“I am and you are far more gorgeous than our friends described,” he was smooth as he stood to pull my seat out. I thanked him with a smile and took it.

While he was that close to me though, all I could smell was his cologne. It was strong… and it lingered. It also didn’t help matters that I quickly recognized that scent. I had smelt it over and over again. It was the same exact fragrance that my ex wore. I knew for a fact that it was Tom Ford’s Azure Lime. There was no mistaking it. I was hit with a sharpness of lemon-lime shortly followed by a spike of mint. Yet, it still had that dash of warm wood that drove me insane… and all I could think about was… the ex. Fucking strike two.

I was still giving him a chance though. Greg. Come on, Greg. Turn this around for me. 

As we got deeper into dinner, conversation flowed nicely. It wasn’t too hard talking to this complete stranger; awkward at times maybe, but not entirely hard. While he was talking though, I caught a glimpse of someone out of the corner of my eye. At first, I shook it off as my mind just playing tricks on me. When I took a second glance though, I was horrified to come to a conclusion… My ex was sitting at the bar with two of his friends. If he would just glance over his shoulder, he would totally see me… he possibly already had. 

Throughout the night, I tried my best not to look in that direction. It was near impossible though. He looked… good. There was no denying that. So, he’s a handsome guy. That on its own makes it hard enough to keep my eyes from wandering to him. One of the times my eyes were off in that direction, they caught his deep blue gaze. A sense of panic came over me. I quickly looked away and tried to focus on the guy in front of me…. what was his name again? SHIT. Before I could remind myself, I felt a presence step to my side. I didn’t want to look and see what it was… because I knew. 

“Hey,” the ex beamed brightly when our eyes met once again. 

“Hi,” I was kind of frozen. This was not how my first date without him was supposed to go. How the hell do I handle this?! 

“Who’s your friend?” He asked me; his expression way too smug

“This is uh…” I stuttered a bit, trying to rack my brain.

“Greg,” he spoke, not seeming too pleased. And I can’t really blame him. I was a horrible date.

“I’m Josh. She refers to me as the ex, but…” he trailed off, causing me to pinch the bridge of my nose from the embarrassment that he was currently causing me.

“You need to leave,” I shot at him.

“I will. Just wanted to drop this off. Say hello. Thanks for my stuff back,” he gave to me while placing a drink next to my glass of water. It was a margarita; my staple of a drink if we ever went out. He walked away without another word. God damn him.

“I’m sorry,” I quickly gave to my date. 

“I mean our friends told me that you got out of a messy relationship, but I wasn't expecting him to pop up,” he tried to chuckle, but I could tell he wasn’t happy at all about it. 

“This was our spot before, but I didn’t think he would show up,” I sighed. 

“Oh, wow. You should have told me,” he added.

I just shrugged in return. The mood of the date changed then as you would expect. There was this awkwardness that hung between the two of us that just wouldn’t go away. It lasted up until he walked me to my car. There was an extremely awkward goodbye with no exchange of numbers before I climbed into my truck. Wow… that was painful. Thanks, Joshua. 

I took a minute to sit in the driver’s seat and collect myself. Moments ago, I saw Greg driving off. A heavy sigh came out of me as I eased back into my seat. I am never going on another date ever again. That was terrible.

Just as I began to reach for my key in the ignition to start the vehicle, a rattle of knuckles shook my window. I jumped and gave a loud yelp towards the noise… only to see Josh standing there; smug smile still plastered across his face. 

“What the fuck do you want?!” I shot at him as my window went down… and he chuckled away at my reaction. 

“So, you’re dating again,” he began.

“My friends sat it up,” I muttered even with my heart still pounding against my chest. 

“How’d it go with Gary?” he questioned.

“Greg,” I corrected him.

“Right, you didn’t seem to know that when you were trying to introduce him, so…” he trailed off; a smirk teasing at the corner of his lips. 

“Do you just want to remind me that you ruined my date?” I questioned why he was here right now.

“I didn’t ruin it. I made it interesting. It seemed like a huge borefest from my vantage point,” was his snarky comment.

“Why were you watching?!” got thrown his way.

“You were watching me too. Don’t think I didn’t notice.”

“We can’t do this. I need to get home,” I shook my head. I didn’t like how this night’s gone. I couldn’t imagine it heading in a better direction. 

“Can’t do what? Talk to each other? Sure we can,” was his comment.

“Josh…” I attempted to say something, but no other words followed. 

“Let me take you out again. Show you how our dates used to be,” he softened his tone a bit; that arrogance long gone. 

“No,” I shook my head once more. “We’re done. I gave you your stuff back. No more.”

“Just dinner,” he tried again. 

“No meant no the first time you asked and no still means no the last time you asked,” I worded it differently for him. Maybe he’ll understand this better. 

“I miss you though,” his ego was completely gone at this point… and it softened me a little too much for him being my ex. 

“I miss you sometimes too and... seeing you like this hurts like hell, but… we’re just better apart,” I pulled together. I will not let him come home with me no matter how good he looks right now. 

He sighed, keeping his deep gaze fixed on me. The longer I held it, the harder it was for me to convince myself to drive away. 

“Alright,” he nodded his head slightly. Clearly, he wasn’t happy with my response, but he had to accepted it. What other option did he have? “Have a good night,” he gave me before turning and walking away. 

As I pulled out of the parking lot, I glanced back in my rearview mirror to see that he didn’t go back inside. He went to his vehicle. Sighing, I tried to forget about that encounter. It was really, really difficult though. I’m trying to move on and he just thinks he can waltz on over to my car like that after he interrupted my date. God damn it, Joshua. It’s always something with you. 

When I got home, I went straight to my room and into the master bathroom. After beginning to run the water in the tub, I peeled my clothes off from the night. Before sliding in, I dropped a bath bomb into the bubbles, letting the aroma quickly fill the room. My thought was that it would relax me a bit. It did not. Thanks a lot, Avobath. 

I didn’t stay in there nearly as long as I usually do. It wasn’t relaxing me. There was no point to stay in a relaxing bath if it wasn’t going to do anything. With a heavy huff, I pulled myself from the water and quickly wrapped a towel around my frame. Moving carefully to my closet, I put on an oversized t-shirt that I found lying around. I didn’t realize until I had tucked myself under the covers that… it was a shirt of Josh’s I had missed. I thought it was just a t-shirt dress or something when I stumbled upon it. A loud, frustrated groan came out of me as I buried my head into the pillows. His musky, lime cologne mixed with the scent of the bath I just had. It took me back to all those nights we spent in this bed. All those mornings he rolled over and kissed me awake or one of us would say something outrageously stupid in our morning haze to make the other laugh until tears rolled down our cheeks. I still missed all that… but I couldn’t have it back. 

Frustrated, I rolled over onto my back, staring at the ceiling; unable to sleep. Before when I got this way, I could just roll over to the other side of the bed and talk with Josh. Even if he was tired, he’d talk to me until I was drifting off to a slumber. 

As if, somehow, someone could sense my incapacity to sleep, my phone rattled against the bedside table. With it continuing, I knew it was a phone call. Reaching over, my eyes squinted at the bright screen in the dark room. I was actually surprised to see… Josh’s name on my phone for once. For a second, I debated with myself if I really wanted to answer it or not. The logical, moving on person in me told me not to… but something in me just wouldn’t allow it.

“Babe!” Josh’s voice was so loud that I had to actually hold the phone a couple inches from my ear after I greeted him.

“Why are you so loud?” I shot at him.

"Because you need to hear me!" Was his response. It wasn't even a shouting angry type of communication. He was just loud.

"Josh, I can hear you fine. Lower your god damn voice. I'm going to lose hearing in my damn ear," I muttered on.

"Oh, sorry," his voice was a whisper at this point... still a loud whisper, but much better than before. It was obvious to me that he had been drinking. Actually, it was apparent to me when I heard those first few words come out of his mouth. 

"What do you want?" I tried to get him going. 

"T-to talk to you," he replied as I sat up and began to rub my forehead. Here we go. 

"You're not doing much talking," I gave back to him. 

Silence spread across the line then. You would have thought he hung up with how little noise I could hear on the other end. The soft sound of his breathing was the only thing keeping me on this line. 

"Are you home?" He finally asked. 

"Of course I'm home. It's one in the morning," I wrinkled my brow. 

"C-can I... come... in then?" His pauses told me that he was concentrating really hard to get that sentence out coherently. 

"Josh, go to bed," I sighed. 

"Come down and see me then," He came back with quickly. It was almost so quickly that I had no idea what he had said until I thought about it for a moment. 

"... Where are you?" I knitted my brow and began flipping the covers off of me to get to my feet.

"At your place," he said before I could make it to the window to look down at the driveway. 

As I drew back the curtain, I saw his black SUV parked crooked in it. He was nearly in the grass. This fucking idiot.

"You drove here?!" I nearly shouted at him.

"I needed to see you," was his reply. 

"You've been drinking," I pinched the bridge of my nose. Everything in me wanted to lay into him about how dangerous he was being right now... But he's drunk and he's not going to comprehend anything I'd say to him. 

"Can I come in?" He repeated, sounding like he was growing a bit impatient with me. 

I sighed heavily, not wanting to let him in. It's going to open a whole string of doors if he does... But if I told him no, then I'm putting him back on the street in this unsafe condition. God damn it, Josh. Again, always something with him!

"I'll come down to get you," I gave in. Before I could hear anything out of him, I ended the call. 

Walking away from the window, I slid into a pair of shorts and found my slippers. Before I left the room, I threw a hoodie over my torso to brace myself from the chill of the mid-autumn night. A small gust of wind nearly pulled the door opened for me. Feet away was Josh attempting to stagger up the steps to the porch. When he saw me in the doorway, his pace quickened... or there was a moment of two quick steps before he lost his balance and fell. Thankfully, it was on the grass and not the hard concrete of the walkway.

“Good god, Joshua,” I sighed to myself as I looked down at his large frame on the ground. 

“You look beautiful,” he laid there, smiling up at me once I approached him. 

“And you look really drunk,” I gave back to him.

“Pfsh,” was his response while slowly making his way to his feet. 

He got about halfway up before he appeared to be losing balance again. My instinct was to reach out to keep him from falling. If I was thinking clearly, I obviously would have deemed that a bad idea... because the man is just big. And his dead, drunk weight was nothing I could ever pull against. But I did. I reached out for his arm to tug on, somehow, keeping him up right. 

“We need to get you inside before we both go down,” I muttered, holding onto his arm as he got his feet under himself. All I could imagine was him pulling me down with him and both of our skulls cracking against the sidewalk. Yeah, not the way I ever envisioned going... especially with Josh. 

Slowly, I got him up the three steps of the porch and into the front door. He seemed to be concentrating really hard. The way he wasn’t talking and the firm hold his arm had around me told me that. The moment we were inside though, I felt him get wobbly. The need to rush him over to the couch in the living room became greater and greater with each movement both of us made. Halfway there, I felt him start to lean the opposite way of me. I cringed while desperately hoping to keep him up right for just a few more steps. Just feet from the couch I felt him falling and there was nothing I could do to correct his balance. He was going down... but thank goodness it was right onto the couch... mostly because he took me with him. I landed on his firm chest with a slight oaf from him.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, sounding a bit ashamed of himself. 

“It’s fine, Josh,” I sighed and began pushing myself off of him. Can’t be having this. His chest already gave me a familiar comfort that I didn’t need to be feeling right now.

“No, it’s not,” he shook his head a little too vigorously that I was afraid he might vomit on my couch. 

“Well not that you drove here in this condition, but...”

“No, for... making you break up with me,” he mumbled with some slurs here and there, but it was easy to make out.

My mouth opened to will words to come out to downplay this. He was just drunk and was most likely babbling, but... I’m a firm believer that more truths come out when you’ve been drinking instead of stone cold sober. That belief was currently baffling me.

“Josh, I....” I was still speechless. With the way his glossy eyes were looking back at me, it was like they were just begging for a response and I couldn’t give that to him in this moment.

“I didn’t mean to keep pushing you away,” he gave me some more to work with. “I just... love you a lot and knew I would probably mess it up some how,” he went on, having a much harder time with the last part of that sentence. 

“All I wanted was for you to love me back, Josh,” I felt myself saying... and getting a little emotional. 

The main reason for our fallout was the fact that he just couldn’t talk about his feelings with me. We would have these nice intimate moments, and I would be nearly spilling every last drop of my heart out to him, but he could never return it. All I wanted was for him to look me in the eyes and tell me that he loved and cared about me. Nearly a year into a relationship, I felt like he should at least be able to do that. Now, the first time he’s telling me is when he’s been drinking. 

“I do,” he gave me; glossy gaze still locked on mine. 

“But you’re drunk right now, so I’m just going to leave you here and go to bed,” I shook my head to clear it as I got to my feet. I don’t need to be falling back into his smooth talking while he’s lying on my couch... drunk. That was the most important thing I needed to remember right now. He’s drunk... but a small part of me makes me think that he’s being extremely honest. Bottom line: I just can’t be here with him right now.

“Stay with me,” he spoke softly before I could turn away from him. 

“I can’t,” I pushed out.

“Please,” his eyes were pleading... and greatly tugging at my heartstrings. Something about those eyes always drew me back in. 

Sighing, I slid the slippers off of my feet and went back to the couch. I was agreeing to stay with him, but I was not going to lay with him. I moved to where his head was resting at the end. Gently, I lifted it so I could sit and rest it back on my lap. This way, I could still lean against the raised armrest of the couch to get some sleep. It wasn’t entirely comfortable, but it was better than the alternative. 

With his head resting on my lap, he sighed and turned onto his side, almost hiding his face against me. Something about the nuzzle made me smile down at him... and raise my hand so my fingers could comb through his thick hair. Over time, my fingertips pressed against his scalp, causing soft sighs to come out of him. With how quiet he had become, I assumed he had passed out.

“I missed you,” came out of him, informing me that I was very wrong. 

“I gathered,” was my reply. He’s said that a time or two tonight.

“I love you,” came next.

I sighed heavily and removed my hand from his hair. He said it again... for the second time ever. It so freely rolls off his tongue now.

“It’s better when you act like you don’t,” I muttered to him. 

This caused him to roll over, laying flat so he could look up at me. He studied my features for a long time, seeming to be reading every aspect of my face... the best that he could in his current condition. 

“You think I act like I don’t love you?” His brow was wrinkled to the max. 

“I’m not talking about this right now,” I huffed, moving my eyes anywhere else but his. I couldn’t stand looking into them right now. A small flash of hurt began to trickle over them before I looked away. I can’t look back at them now.

The longer I kept my eyes away from his, I could feel him looking at me more and more. It was like he was begging me to look back at him so he could continue on his drunken ramble. No part of me wanted to hear it... or look down at him. 

“I do love you,” he began even though I still was avoiding eye contact with him. “I love you so much,” he paused... and it took a whole lot out of me not to look down at him now.

“Well you had a weird way of showing it,” I muttered, biting at the inside of my lip to keep from saying anything else... or busting out in tears. Which would come first, I wasn’t exactly sure. 

“I know,” He groaned loudly, reminding me that he was indeed, inebriated... probably shouldn’t be conversing with him about this subject. “We’ve had arguments before and you’ve said you were done, but you always came back.”

“I’m still not coming back,” I muttered, feeling like I had to put my foot down. No amount of drunken confessions were going to make me suddenly see the light and go back to him.

From the long pause of silence that came from him then, it told me that he didn’t like my response. Curiosity got to the best of me then. I needed to read his expression. Even with his eyes still glassy, a large amount of sadness was spread across them. It made my heart ache. I haven’t seen this look in his eyes before. He just looked like a huge, miserable, sad puppy lying in my lap. 

“I want you back,” he said; his voice barely above a whisper. His tone was surprising to me since he had the alcohol running through his veins. Talking quietly wasn’t something he manages when he’s in this state... yet here he was. 

“Act like you don’t,” I mumbled, not knowing what else to say in this moment... because I wanted him back too. No matter how many times I tried to convince myself I didn’t want him, I missed him terribly. This constantly comparing everyone else to him is never going to work out for me... but I know I shouldn’t take him back. He didn’t treat me right the first time. Why would the second time be any different? When we broke up, no part of me wanted to ever give him the light of day… But with him sitting at my lap, there seems to be quite some light being shown to him. 

“I can’t,” he gave back to me. 

I looked down at him after he spoke. My brain was scrambling for something to say to get out of this… or keep anything from coming out that I haven’t fully thought through. The look in his eyes though… it was heartbreaking. Even through that drunken haze, I could still see the hurt that flooded over them. And something about all of this just… made me believe him. God damn it! 

“You need to sleep,” I sighed, knowing this wasn’t going where I wanted it to tonight. He was just going to sleep over; wake up in the morning and leave and we’d still be broken up. Now… I don’t even know what terms we’re going to be on when the sun rises. 

Surprisingly, Josh nodded his head slowly. I feel like shortly after he drifted off to sleep. His breathing was a slow, steady, sleep pace. Sleep for me was next to impossible. I was sitting with Josh’s head still in my lap. I couldn’t move him so that I could shift in any position... and I wasn’t chancing the fact that he might wake up. So, I either had to ease back more against the couch or lean my side over the armrest. I think the most sleep I got at a time was twenty minutes. I kept waking up to the same scene every time. 

As the sun began to rise, I wasn’t as forgiving with Josh’s huge melon being on my lap. I needed to at least get some coffee in me. When this boy woke up, he was going to want to talk and I wasn’t properly prepared for that just yet. Some caffeine running through me would help that a bit though. However, just as that crackle of the coffee beginning to brew filled the kitchen, I heard movement from the living room. Moments later, footsteps were approaching me.

“You know where the aspirin is,” I told him before he could begin to speak. From the soft grunts he was letting out, I assumed he was hurting a bit from his adventure last night.

Shuffling his bare feet across the floor, he walked to the other side of the kitchen to the cupboard that I keep medicine in. From his time spent here, he knew right where it was; tucked just behind the right front corner. I heard the rattle of the bottle, telling me he took one out for himself. Next was the sound of the fridge opening where he knows I always keep a stock of bottled water. While he was taking his dose, there was finally enough coffee in the pot for me to have a cupful.

As I turned around with my steamy mug, I got a glimpse of Josh. He was a total mess. His hair was tousled in every which way possible. His cheeks were flushed more than usual; eyes darkened from his lack of good, quality sleep. Everything about him just screamed that I needed to go over and comfort him. While that thought was still being tossed in my mind, he brought his water bottle up and planted it right in the center of his forehead… it took a lot for me not to laugh at this scene. Serves you right, boo.

“It’s morning,” he stated; his voice groggy and strained. 

“Usually what that means when the sun comes up…” I had to be sarcastic. There was no stopping that one.

“It’s morning and I’m not drunk anymore,” he pointed out.

“... The drunkenness is debatable.”

“Come on. Just fucking talk to me,” He was getting annoyed. I could imagine his hangover had a lot to do with it.

“I don’t know what you want me to talk about. I’ve said all I’ve needed to say…”

“Yeah well I haven’t. I don’t remember exactly what I said to you last night, but hopefully I wasn’t a complete asshole,” he cut me off.

“I wouldn’t say complete…” the sarcasm was still running rapidly through me.

He didn’t chuckle at my comment like I expected him to. He took a few steps back to lean himself against the counter. I gave him his time. He took a few moments to gather himself. The water bottle had long ago left his head only to be replaced by his hand squeezing at his temple. 

“You have every right to be upset with me. Ok, I get it,” he began. His discomfort aiding in his bluntness. 

“Damn right I do,” I just couldn’t hold it in.

“I know I wasn’t what you needed me to be for you and I acted in a way that made you think I didn’t care about you. And looking back, I guess…” he stopped himself to smear his large palm over his face. “I guess you were right. I… I didn’t and for that I’m very, sorry.” he was sure to hold my gaze with every word he said then. Even in his stutter, his eyes were on mine. 

No matter how many times I had convinced myself that I was going to act calloused against Josh, nothing had prepared me for this moment. His apology softened me to the core. He admitted to being wrong and needing to act better. I couldn’t bring myself to not believe it. Everything about him just screamed sorrow. Maybe it was just those stupid, blue, puppy eyes that just seem to occur naturally for him, but… I couldn’t help myself. I was soft towards him now.

“I know I hurt you… over and over again. Looking back, all those nights that you would just go on and on about what you liked about me and how I made you feel when we were together; that was you showing me that you loved me. You would do it over and over again even though I wasn’t returning it to you. Eventually, you got tired of it not being returned and I understand that now.”

… He was making me feel things. In hopes of easing my discomfort, I placed my warm mug on the countertop to cross my arms. 

“And I do know that you’re moving on and you told me to act like I don’t have feelings for you, but… damn it, I can’t. Ever since you’ve been gone, all I can think about is you and how I completely messed up everything,” he pushed out, dropping his eyes to the floor now. “I do love you,” his voice was much softer than before. “I have for quite some time. I just didn’t know how to show it.”

“Then do it,” I found my voice.

“Do what?” His features wrinkled.

“If you do love me, show me now,” I rephrased. 

He glanced back up at me next; his face a bit hardened in concentration. It was clear that he was trying to understand my words better and give me back a proper response. I didn’t push him though. He had all the time he needed.

“That’s what I want to do now. I want you to give me another chance to show you that I do,” he pieced together. 

“And I’m just supposed to believe you?”

“I don’t know what else you want from me. What else could I possibly do right now?” 

“Gee, I don’t know,” my tone dripping in sarcasm as I shrugged. “Maybe tell me reasons why you love me like I had done so many times to you.”

His eyes stayed locked on me long after I had finished speaking. Everything in his pupils told me that his thoughts were spinning. I had just thrown something at him that he wasn’t prepared for. Sure, Josh has told me things that he’s liked about me… but they were mostly physical things. Yes, I know. We’re attracted to each other, Josh. I need more than attraction in a relationship. 

“I don’t know,” he began after dropping his eyes back to the floor. “I obviously appreciated all the time we spent together,” he shrugged. 

I stayed silent, hoping he gets the message that I wanted more. The slight huff he let out told me that he got that hint rather quickly.

“You made me feel weird… but it was this weird that… I didn’t want to ever let anything happen to you. Like when you had a bad day at work and I wanted to hunt down your asshole boss and throw him around a bit,” He paused to let out a chuckle. It maybe even… brought a small smile to my face. His deep blue eyes were still stuck on the floor though. He never saw.

“I wanted to protect you from everything. When I saw you upset it… made me upset. Then when I saw you smile, I was on cloud nine. I knew it was a great day when you were around me smiling,” he brought his large palm to the back of his neck while his lips curled.

“But then I loved the dumb things you did too. I always loved and appreciated that you’d make me breakfast when I stayed over. I knew you had to get up for work, but you left me to sleep and went about your morning; making sure I ate too.

“Your texts good morning and good night while I was out of town were honestly something I always looked forward to. And those stupid, god damn sticky notes,” he stopped once more to chuckle.

However, he looked up at me this time. I was busted. He caught my full on smile. Seeing mine, caused his to shine all the way through as well.

“I fucking loved those,” he added. “You left them on the mirror so I found them in the morning, at the breakfast table. And somehow, I would find a random one in my gloves before practice or a game. You always wrote something that made me smile… and made sure I knew that you loved me.”

“I loved doing those things for you,” I admitted to him. 

“And I know that’s what you wanted. Even if I couldn’t tell you that I loved you, you wanted me to do those dumb things that let you know I really do care. I’m sorry I couldn’t do that. I just… I’ve never felt this way before and at the time, I didn’t fully know how to express that. I thought if I did, it would come out all wrong and I’d ruin everything,” he went on to explain.

By this point, I was… very softened by all of this. Somehow, he made me feel bad for being such a bitch to him last night even. I still stood firm on my side of the kitchen. He can’t just swoop in with well put together words and suddenly I’m a puddle at his feet. 

“So, now what?” I tried to fill the silence.

“I think that’s mostly up to you,” his voice was soft now. The short stint of confidence he had previously displayed moments ago was long gone.

Great, the ball’s in my court suddenly. It had been in Josh’s most of the morning. This shift had my brain scattered… and I honestly had no clue what to say. There were two options: I take him back or kick him out and never see him again. The way this conversation has gone, I would like to see him again… but I’m not entirely convinced that I want to take him back at the drop of a dime.

“I don’t hate you…” I started with.

“That’s improvement,” he smiled slightly.

“But I think I need to see a lot more action before I feel comfortable being with you again,” I confessed. 

“That’s understandable and I’ll take it… on one condition,” He replied, looking over at me with those puppy dog eyes that I could never ever say no to.

“What?” I questioned, unable to fight off a grin. 

“I at least get to kiss you before I go,” the hints of a smirk tugged at the corner of his lips then. 

“That’s a rather large condition…” I played, but he got the courage to take a couple of steps closer.

“Please,” he kept coming.

Before I could respond, his hands were at my waist. Reacting to his touch, my hands found his arms, slightly squeezing at his firm biceps. It took no time for me to admit to myself that I missed the feeling of him. Our smiles seemed to be plastered to our faces as he began to lean in. Somehow, we both managed to force them to fade just before our lips touched. 

It had been so long since I felt this sensation. Those soft, plush lips were something that I longed for. The familiarity of his touch instantly brought so much comfort over me. Just the fact that I was in his arms again caused waves of happiness in my heart. My big idiot was back. 

When we parted, it was obvious that both of us were breathless. The kiss wasn’t even anything that would be PG-13 rated. But it was perfect after what the two of us had been through the past couple of months. 

“Don’t make me regret this,” I whispered to him; our foreheads resting against one another’s.

“I won’t, babe. I promise,” he matched my tone. “I… love you,” he added.

“I love you too,” I beamed; my insides swelling from the joy those words brought me now.

After I spoke, he planted a soft kiss to my forehead. All this made me do was hold onto him tighter. He did the same in return. Without saying a word, the two of us just stood in the middle of the kitchen holding one another. It seemed to be exactly what we needed after such an emotional twelve hours. However, it really did feel so nice to have him back… hopefully an improved version of him… that all began because of a drunk dial around midnight last night.


End file.
